Jokes

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

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There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"

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A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said "Oh, no! It's just ice cream."

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Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. Bob buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. "My new pet elephant" Bill replies solemly.

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A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

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A fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says "It knows how to use a computer." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?!" The owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"